Loss sometimes consumes us. I am having to navigate my life without my mother. She believed in me. To lose the support of my mother is almost the sensation of having the wind knocked out of me. Yet she is still very much a part of me. Everywhere I go, I am aware she believed in me. Her presence is not in physical form, but her love never ends.
She had a thirst for knowledge. She read and read. She instilled a sense of curiosity in me. My love of books began with her. She ordered a book I received as a gift about Lancaster County Church history. It came in the mail one week before she died. Up until the end of her life she was sharing her knowledge with everyone with whom she came into contact. She once told me, “Now that I am in my 80’s I have something to say and no longer is anyone asking.” She had trouble hearing, but mostly she just wanted to be heard. Sometimes those of us who can hear the best, listen the least.
“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.” Søren Kierkegaard
My mother knew she was declining. She wanted to know we would be OK without her here to worry. My family likes the illusion of control. We tend to think we can orchestrate much more than what is within our grasp. We assured her at the end, “Mom, we’ve got this!”
She taught us how to laugh. Her laugh was contagious. I so miss hearing it echo in the room.
I don’t know what loss is surrounding you during this time. I hope you have someone who makes you laugh and believes in you. May we give to others the welcome, the validation and the joy they need so desperately!